


In Between

by AlexHunt



Series: Open Heart — Ethan Ramsey x Ellie Shepherd [13]
Category: Choices - Fandom, Open Heart (Visual Novels), PlayChoices
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt, attending/resident, hopsital
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 19:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexHunt/pseuds/AlexHunt
Summary: Summary: Ellie has recovered physically from the attempted assassination of the Senator, but mentally she is still struggling.This is a companion piece to my series Love & Scotch (an Open Heart/Hollywood U crossover). It takes place after chapter 13: healing.Rating/Warnings: Teen +/ angst: panic attack, anxiety, ptsd, grief, loss, mentions of past character death, hurt/comfort
Relationships: Ethan Ramsey/Ellie Shepherd, Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart), Ethan Ramsey/Original Character(s), Ethan Ramsey/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Open Heart — Ethan Ramsey x Ellie Shepherd [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1804708
Kudos: 3





	In Between

“Ooo, Ellie!” Sienna’s light voice called upon finding her fellow resident in the break room. “Roommate karaoke tonight at Donahue's?”

Her unwavering gaze stared at the timer ticking down on the microwave. 

Sienna continued chirping cheerfully in her ear, but to Ellie, her voice was distant, as if she were listening from underwater. 

Ellie didn’t really understand what Sienna was so excited about. Something about the roommates making plans. Her thoughts didn’t linger long on the unheard words. Instead, she counted her breaths in and out along with the countdown, letting the steady hum of the microwave drown out her friend’s soft voice. 

“Ellie!” The sharp tone pulled her back.

Shaking her head, she answered simply, “umm… not tonight.”

Sienna’s smile fell slightly. “Oh, okay, but movie night tomorrow, right?”

“Sure.”

"Yay!" The ever effervescent resident bounced in her step. “I've missed you!” She watched Ellie’s gaze drift away again, as no response was given. “Ellie!”

“Hmm?” Her focus returned once more.

“Movie night. Tomorrow. You'll come?”

“Maybe.” Offering nothing more than that and a half-hearted shrug, Ellie dragged herself forward to find a quiet place to eat. Her stomach turned at the thought. She went through the motions of meals, but she hadn’t been hungry. She would pick at her food, maybe take a bite or two, and then toss the rest before returning to her rounds. Eating alone saved her the hassle of never-ending questions. And, right now, that is all she wanted—quiet.

His smirk was visible despite his phone shielding his face as his fingers nimbly slid across the smooth screen.

“What’s so entertaining?”

“Hmm?” Ethan laughed under his breath. “Oh. Nothing.”

She scoffed,“Doesn’t sound like nothing. Who are you talking to?”

“Alex.”

“What does _she_ want?” 

“Ellie, what’s wrong?” The accusatory tone caught his attention. He began turning toward her until a new text lit up his screen. 

“Fine. Don’t tell me. Just sit there, smirk, and keep your secrets.” Her brow furrowed, and she crossed her arms to her chest.

“Alex just wanted to know if I would be attending Hunt’s bachelor party.” He put the phone down for the moment.

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

“Fine.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Nope.” The tone of her voice contradicted her reply.

“Are you okay?” His face filled with concern as he leaned closer to her. He had noticed a change in her demeanor over the past couple of weeks. She was different. He suspected he knew the cause but didn’t want to pry until she was ready. “What’s going on?

“I’m fine.” She pushed his hand away somewhat forcefully.

Ethan’s gaze lingered on her, trying to understand what she was feeling and how best to help. Another text blinked on the screen. “Alex wants to know if you’ll be going to her bachelorette party.”

“Maybe she should ask me herself instead of texting you all the time,” Ellie complained under her breath. 

He glanced at his phone. “It looks like she did. She said she hasn’t heard from you lately. Have you checked your texts?”

“No.”

“Ellie, I know something’s wrong.” His long fingers caressed her arm. “Please, let me in.”

“I just—” A heavy sigh slipped from her lips. She opened her mouth to speak but bit back her words. “Never mind. I’m going to bed.”

His blue eyes stared back at her, begging for her to stay. For a moment, she paused, considering his silent request. Her eyes shut tightly, and she shook her head. “I can’t.” 

She got up from the couch and quickly headed to the dark bedroom. Sleep wouldn’t come; she knew better than to hope for that. At least, she’d be alone. The irony of her running away from him wasn’t lost on her. However, facing him right now was too hard. She wasn’t ready for him. She wasn’t ready for anyone to know. She convinced herself that no one would understand. How could they, when she didn’t even understand herself.

The closer she got to the ICU, the faster her heart pounded, drumming through her entire body. The air seemed thinner. She took deep, deliberate breaths, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. She couldn’t look where she was going; she just needed to keep moving. 

“Ellie?”

His voice caused her to stumble. She quickly reached out for the wall to stabilize herself. Her eyes squeezed shut. Why now? Not here. Anywhere but here. Her pulse raced, pounding in her head.

“Hey, Ellie?” Bryce moved in front of her, offering her a hand of support. “Are you okay?”

She shook her head, trying to focus on him. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look like it. You’re pale. You should lie down. Let me walk with you.”

Her gaze shifted behind him, through the glass window, into the room. Her mind was overcome with memories of that day. Her breathing became more ragged, unable to stop her mind from wandering back.

“Ellie?” Bryce placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Let me take you to the on-call room to lie down. You really don’t look well. I’ll get your intern to cover your patients.”

“No.” She dug her nails deeply into her palms. A sudden rush of air filled her lungs. The sharp pain had helped her regain herself. It was a trick she’d been using for a few days. She stepped back, putting distance between them. “I said, I’m fine.” 

Without explaining, she pushed past the surgeon and hurried quickly down the hall. She was glad Bryce hadn’t followed her. Even she could feel the color drain further from her face as her heart stopped upon seeing Rafael. Ellie sprinted away from the EMT as fast as she could. Heading into the first empty room she found, she shut the door and leaned against it for support. 

"Come on, Ellie. You can do this," she breathed, trying to bury the images that were flashing in her mind.

The bright lights of Boston peeked through the tops of the curtains, casting shadows on the ceiling. She searched for the faint sounds of the city in the distance, however, his steady breathing beside her was amplified in the quiet room, blocking out any hopes of letting the hum of the city drown out her thoughts.

She tossed and turned to no avail. Reluctantly, she dragged herself out of bed. It wasn’t her first sleepless night. She headed toward the living room, hoping the mind-numbing, late-night infomercials would bring her some relief. 

Her mind quieted as she stared apathetically at the screen. She blinked occasionally, but she could tell it wasn't enough as her eyes began to burn. 

“Ellie?” Ethan’s drowsy voice barely registered. He rubbed the back of his neck, his eys adjusting to the light of the room. Finding her gaze glued to the television and receiving no reply, he turned it off. “Ellie!”

“What!?” She questioned, her tone harder than she had intended. 

“We can’t avoid this anymore,” he offered tenderly. He took the seat beside her. “We need to talk about what’s going on.”

“I don’t know what you're talking about.” Her focus was transfixed on the blank screen.

His finger hooked under her chin as he lightly turned it toward him. “Look at me. Let me help.” 

“What for? So the great Dr. Ramsey can save me? I’m not a case. I’m not a puzzle for you to solve.” 

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

Ellie pulled her knees against her chest, letting her head fall under the weight of all her pain. “I know. I’m sorry. I just—”

“I’m right here, Ellie," he reassured her, shifting closer. "Whatever you need.”

“Fine.” She answered curtly.

“How can I help? Just tell me.”

“I don’t know.” Her head shifted side to side in contemplation. “Maybe you can’t. Maybe nobody can.”

“If you need me to stay, I’m right here.” His hand drifted down her back, tenderly massaging her tired muscles. 

She remained motionless, giving him no indication of what she wanted.

**“Do you want me to leave?** If you need space, I’d understand.” Never in his life had he felt so helpless. “Tell me what I can do. I don’t want to see you in this pain.”

“We don’t always get what we want,” she replied bitterly.

“Nevertheless, I’m here.”

They sat in silence as she focused on her breathing, trying to bury the tears threatening to erupt. “I almost died.” Her words were a whisper, but he heard them.

“I know.” His muscles tensed at the statement. He’d almost lost her. He knew it wasn’t the same, but he understood what she was saying. 

“I feel like I’m stuck in this in-between place—not dead... but not alive either. How do I get over this? How do I move on?” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.

“I don’t believe you can.”

She turned to face him, eyes sunken and swollen. 

Ethan shuddered, remembering the last time she looked so lifeless. By the sight of her, he knew she couldn’t carry on much longer like this. She hadn’t had a proper meal or slept in days, maybe longer. It was taking its toll on her. He breathed thoughtfully, considering his words. 

“You suffered a trauma, Ellie. There are bound to be consequences. Some that will linger, but you don’t need to hide them. You know you can trust me with anything... However, if not me, then someone else. You have to talk about it. You can’t keep this bottled up.” 

“How can I sit here and complain about feeling sad and sorry for myself for almost dying when others actually did.” Her voice cracked and tears streamed freely. “Bobby… Danny…” Her sobs strengthen. “The world would be better with them in it. Maybe they wouldn’t squander surviving as I have. Even Raf, who suffered more than I did, is working hard to get back to himself. Why did I survive? It was our patient, Ethan. They shouldn’t have been there. It should have been me.”

Ethan pulled her into his arms, letting her bury her face in his chest. His own tears were lost in her hair as he held her there. A fire ignited within him. His face flushed with anger knowing the price of what happened was far from being paid. He shook his own frustrations away. This wasn’t about him. 

Her body trembled in her arms as her cries grew uncontrollably. He stroked her hair and whispered softly in her ear, reminding her that none of this was her fault, she shouldn’t feel guilty, and that she was safe now. He rocked her gently in his arms, letting the weeks of bottled-up negative emotions pour out of her. 

As her tears slowed, he carried her to bed. His body curled perfectly around hers, protecting her from the ghosts that haunted her. 

Her cries continued quietly; the silent tears wet the pillow beneath her. She leaned back into his chest, nestling in his warmth. She had never felt so small and fragile, but with his arms around her, she felt safe. 

After she had finally fallen asleep, Ethan turned off their alarms and called out of work for the week for both of them. He had made the mistake of letting her return before she was ready once; he wasn’t about to do it again. 

He brushed a kiss on the crown of her head and snuggled against her once more. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to protect her. And, now that she’d let him in, he wasn’t about to squander that gift. He would be there for her, whatever she needed, for as long as she needed. 


End file.
